Friday, December 16, 2005

Farting

Ok someone is going to have to step through the Internet and slap me for the statement I’m about to make.

Remember 30 years ago when we were kids and how we thought our parents were such dorks and had no idea what was going on in “our” world?

I used to have bad thoughts about my parents, I mean hell I may have been growing up in the middle of nowhere without any natural “peers” but I guess some things just come naturally.  Looking back, I know that all of those bad thoughts were wasted energy (If I only knew then what I know now [slap me again]), and that eventually we’ll realize that.  But it got me to thinking, do you think the reason we distrust people is because our parents are the first to betray us, the first to lie to us?

Think about it, our parents lied to us about Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny all of these little white lies.  If our parents are going to lie to us then who can we ever really trust?  Instead, we perpetuate the situation, we continue (even though we know it’s wrong) the little white lies….why?  Why is it that we know it’s wrong, we were pissed off when we found out about it….but we continue to do it.  Is it some sort of cosmic first practical joke that adults get to play?

It went on for years didn’t it, at least 10 years at my house (my sister is 4 years older and I believed in Santa until I was 6 or so).  Parents making up these little white lies, to a point where they almost become legends and then myths.  My mother has this recording of me on Christmas morning, I must have been 4 or 5 and was really really tongue tied.  My Mother asked me if I heard Santa and I reply (in this most horrible voice):  “I hearded footsteps last night, I hearded them”  Oh my god what a Dork!  So obviously I thought he was real because I could have sworn I heard that fucker on the roof!

But once the first myth began to fade the rest were easy to get rid of.  I think the most difficult one to let go of is Santa Claus because he seems like a real person.  Others were easy to let go of and pretend “Oh I knew all the time” like Easter….The Easter Bunny …hello he’s a rabbit and he delivers fucking eggs, where in the hell did he get those god damned eggs, that’s what I want to know.

One thing I remember about my dad was he was ability to pass wind on command, not just spontaneously but literally on command.  At the most inopportune time you’d be sitting there and all of a sudden things just turned rotten.  Once the first one was out my Dad was like “Well what the hell, it’s gonna happen so lets have fun with it.”  We would scream and yell and make all sorts of obscene gestures to display how terrible it was to be affected by these gaseous odors.  We would make a nasty little game about it, that’s sorta sick.

Once Dad figured out that we were grossed out about it, it suddenly became a torture device.  He would always use the lame excuse, “Oh I can’t help it.”  

This is also the man who loves to put mayonnaise on his mashed potatoes, I swear once he figures out that it freaks you out, he gets some little freaky pleasure from it (Oh my god, That’s where my sister gets it from).  

As I was thinking about this I realized that I am now around the age my Dad was when we were going through all this, and I realized:  I can pass wind on command now too, I guess it’s inherited.

***NOTE*** If you are reading this note, then good for you!  I apologize this post was starting out as one thing and ended up in a totally different way.  I was going to edit it down, but then I figured what the hell it’s Christmas!

The Boyfriend and I are going out of town this weekend, Flo is going (She is so excited) I’ll take lots of pictures.  Have a great weekend.

9 comments:

xmichra said...

I used to think that I would do my child a favor, and be totally honest. But then I had Kira and realized I would suck major ass by ruining a great holiday for her.

I just think as long as you do a good enough job telling the child about St.Nick and the meaning and why it is so special to give.. well, I think they will learn that you weren't lieing so much as celebrating a day that is very fun and giving and that they might have been a little too young to actually understand the true meaning.

The easter bunny apparently is yet another pagan design.. but I will TOTALy share that myth with Kira, who the hell doesn't like chocolate in the morning?? heh.

I don't think I ever believed in the tooth fairy, bt I think It Is a good mechanism to keep track of your childs teeth. Kids are strange, and swallowing teeth on purpose happens. But I think I will just give her money for her tooth instead.. I have no Idea why I don't like this particular myth (unless you have seen 'darkness falls', that's just freaky).

As for the farting on command.. well, I guess congrats? I am sure you will make some child whince and make the internationally known puke face.

Kat said...

First of all, I almost didn't read this just because of the title.

My kids are six years apart, I'm pretty sure the 8 year old has figured things out about Santa, etc. But she doesn't admit it. The baby is not 2 yet, she's got years to drag it out. You can tell when we get pics with Santa and stuff that she (the 8 year old) is having fun, and that's what matters.

Have fun this weekend!

captain_howdy_girl said...

have a great weekend michael.

I plan on telling my kids the truth. a parent should be able to tell the kids the truth about things like, where babies come from. my mother told me that when a husband kisses his wife a seed goes into her tummy and grows a baby. that screwed me up big time.

Lex said...

LOL on the fart thing. I worked with a guy who could do it on command.

The bad part was we worked in a clean room environment, full suits etc. He would walk by just after doing that and unzip his suit fast then take off. Literally dropping a bomb.

I figured Santa out pretty young and once I questioned it my parents told me the truth.

Mrs TBF said...

Speaking of the Easter Bunny - did you eat hard boiled eggs that were left out for days at Easter time?
Farting is a natural thing - but seems to be also a real guy thing to do.
Hope you had a nice weekend away.

Rob7534 said...

Great post Michael! I never thought about it like that, that our parents are the first to betray us! LOVE THAT.

Anyway, I used to love decorating the eggs for Easter, and sucking out the white and yoke stuff. Or Blowing out I should say.

Fun times smashing them on your family!

clew said...

My parents didn't make me distrust anyone - it was the kids who were friends with me in grade school and then when we got to middle school turned on me for no frigging reason other than to fit in. That was a pain that has seldom been matched. That is what stole my trust of people.

I know your post went elsewhere but this is where my brain hung up ;).

Neal said...

I had three older sisters growing up, there was no way they were going to let me believe in anything once they had it figured out.

Farting on command is easy, you just always have one laying in wait. If you really want to have fun with it, give them all names. Refer back to them with great affection.

Your picture...my God. Is that Barbie going in or coming out?

Michael said...

XM - see what I mean? We think we'll stop the cycle but instead we continue it. its' just one of those questions of life.

Kat - I'm glad you continued reading!

CHG - OMG I knew that's where babies came from all along, you mean it happens differently?

Ms SD - That's too funny in a clean room...LOL!

Mrs. TBF - Yeah we had the hard boiled eggs, but what we didn't eat that day went into to egg salad or something rather quickly.

Rob - we never cleaned the eggs out like that (although I have) I could just imagine running around smashing eggs on each other, good times, good times.