Wednesday, March 08, 2006

The Difference Between Dogs & Cats

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY:
8:00 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 a.m. Wow! A car ride! This is a blast!
9:40 a.m. Got to go to the park! Rolled in some really nasty stuff,was so proud of myself. Humans were less than impressed.
10:30 a.m. Got my tummy rubbed and petted -- I'm in love!
12:00 p.m. Lunch: yummy!
1:00 p.m. Played in the yard: I loved it!
3:00 p.m. Stared adoringly at my masters ... they're the best!
4:00 p.m. Hooray! The kids got home! I was so happy I wasbouncing off the walls!
5:00 p.m. Milk bones -- awesome!
7:00 p.m. Got to play ball! What a day, this was too good to be true!
8:00 p.m. Wow: watching TV with my master! Heavenly!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:
Day 683 of My Captivity:

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hashor some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rationsperfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up mystrength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In anattempt to disgust them, I once again vomited on the floor.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. Ihad hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearlydemonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescendingcomments about what a ''good little hunter'' I am. The audacity!!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placedin solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I couldhear the noise and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was dueto my power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use itto my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of mytormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try thisagain tomorrow-- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released--and he seemsmore than willing to return! He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant -- I observe him communicating with theguards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The captorshave arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he issafe-- for now. But I can wait.

It is only a matter of time...

7 comments:

Ms Mac said...

This is hilarious Michael! The boys have made me read it out loud to them twice already!

Kat said...

lmao, that's hilarious!

And you know, sometimes the way my cats look at the dog, I'm pretty sure they do think she's retarded.

Rob7534 said...

HA! Loved it!

Karen said...

Oh - hilarious! And it really hits the nail quite on the head, doesn't it?

CanadianSwiss said...

Haha. Really great one. I think I'll read it to my cat. He'll love it!

Michael said...

Kat - my cats always used to act like that.

CS - I don't know if you want to read it to your cat, you may give him some ideas he hasn't thought of yet!

Karen said...

I didn't realise that you have already met Felix!