Sunday, December 24, 2006

A Live Blogging Event

Merry Christmas one and all, I can say that because…well it’s my blog and I can say what ever I want, whenever I want…plus I can also say that because tonight I’m hosting my first ever live blogging event from the Midnight Mass at Holy Name Cathedral in downtown Chicago.

Tonight The Boyfriend is making dinner at his new apartment, so along with his mother and his son we’re going to Midnight Mass, this is huge for me, considering that I’m not a Catholic, nor am I religious in any manner…but you know what, that’s not gonna stop me!

So here we go:

11:45 pm – The church is really starting to fill up, it’s hard to believe that so many people are awake at this time of night, usually I’ve been in bed for a few hours drifting into my nightly fit (along with the help of my friend Xanex). I've discovered that at my age, Beauty Sleep no longer helps, I need a Beauty Coma!!

11:50 pm – Oh there’s one of the priests, he’s dressed awful fancy that’s for sure, I thought that priests were not supposed to have any worldly possessions and live a life of poverty…or does that only apply to nuns?

11:55 pm – the choir has arrived, a whole bunch of women in white robes (oh maybe they’re supposed to represent angels or something) and there’s a harpist and there’s a HUGE organ that they just uncovered… know what I mean, a huge PIPE organ…you’ve just got a dirty mind that’s all.

12:00 am – Ok, all quiet on the water front, oh there’s a processional starting, a couple of Altar Boys are carrying big pointy things down the center aisle, all the while being chased by some Priests. Honestly these Altar Boys aren’t all that cute, I don’t understand what all of the controversy is really about?!? Following the boys carrying sticks there’s a priest in a white dress, almost like a bride, but what’s that he's carrying? It’s like a big ball or something….but it’s smoking…..As he walks by I whisper loudly “Father, your dress is fabulous but your purse is on fire.” He gives me a dirty look. The bells start ringing frantically. Thank goodness I’m in the church because if I were a neighbor I’d be calling 911 and reporting them for making so much noise!

12:04 am – the first of many (I’m sure) kneeling down to pray.

12:05 am – Ok, it’s really weird, everyone is talking in unison, it seems as though I’m the only one who doesn’t know what to say. It reminds me of a musical where the whole town comes together to do a spontaneous number but they all know the words AND all of the dance steps…I mean if it’s supposed to be spontaneous why does it look so rehearsed?

12:09 am – Looking through the program I see there’s gonna be singing for everyone, Yeah!!! I like singing. The program is about 4 pages long (not too bad) The first song is "O Come All Yea Faithful" – I know that song. Plus there’s a whole bunch of other things listed here, maybe I should grab the bible and start reading to catch up...I wonder is there a Cliff’s Notes version?

12:12 am – The second verse of O’ Come….did not go over well, I’d never seen those lyrics before and apparently no one else had either, thank god for the choir, once we got to the last 2 lines, we were all back on course again. Oh yeah, the guy behind me is a belter…an off tune belter!

12:13 am – The building is shaking, sort of like when a low flying airplane goes by, I knew this was going to happen, I never should have come. I grab the bible and hold it over my head to ward off the possibly falling brimstone.

12:16 am – One of the choir girls is obviously a little bit more than a choir girl because she’s standing at the lectern with her hands up. Oh, I see, she’s telling us when to sing. Hands go up – we sing, easy enough!

12:17 am – Kneel & Pray

12:18 am – Stand & Pray

12:19 am – Kneel & Pray, thank god these kneelers have cushions on them, but still I’m leaning back and putting my butt on the pew, I’m not as young as I used to be.

12:20 am – Stand & Pray, ok this is getting too much, but apparently it’s even too much for the family in front of me, they look REALLY uncomfortable. Maybe this is their annual trip to Church. Mom looks a little hung over, she’s holding onto the pew in front of her and Dad is still kneeling with his eyes closed, I think he’s sleeping.

12:22 am – Floor is shaking again – ok, once was my fault this one must be for someone else who has made God angry…..oh figured it out, we’re right over the Red Line (The Subway)….whew, so glad that the church isn’t going to cave in because I came in tonight.

12:24 am – Priest is up front giving us the genealogy of the line of Christ, apparently it was 14 generations from this to that and then 14 more and 14 more…I’m confused?!? Who begat whom and became what? I thought it was all just about Mary and Joseph. Flip pages in bible faster to keep up.

12:28 am – Choir girls arms go up again, I don’t know these songs. People are still continuing to talk back to the priest in unison, starting to really freak me out. My mother always told me it was impolite to talk while someone else was talking so I’m just going to keep my mouth shut.

12:30 am – Belter Guy behind me is really off key, which makes it difficult for me to sing as well. In the program the song was listed as “Gloria.” I was getting really getting excited because I love that song from Laura Branigan…oh it’s not that song, it’s the other Gloria. Oh well.

12:35 am – Priest gives blessing tells us to say hi to our neighbors, so shake hands with folks in pew in front (Dad is still asleep I think) and belter guy behind me. Even though he’s loud and out of tune at least he knows the words. As I survey the crowd, come to realize that there aren’t a lot of cute catholic boys. I guess it’s just the girls that are hot in their school costumes – damn!

12:40 am – Choir Girls arms are up, time to sing something.

12:42 am – Priest is blessing the bread and the wine, oh yeah that’s right The Boyfriend said there would be wine tonight, thank goodness because my buzz is starting to wear off.

12:44 am – Everyone stands up and heads to the front for communion, I stay in my seat like a leper, and everyone stares at me as they walk back after receiving their body and blood of Christ – interestingly enough, everyone that’s walking past has their fingers interlocked and holding them out in front of themselves….they must teach them that move in Church school or something.

12:50 am – It’s true, there’s no such thing as a free lunch, now they’re passing the hat, only it’s not a hat it’s a basket on the end of a very long stick. The guy stops in front of me and forces me to put money in the basket. Don’t have any money, so throw in my bus pass that’s worth $5.00. They said the money was going to feed the homeless, now one of them can just ride the bus instead.

12:55 am – Closing time, yeah that’s right, they doled out their bread and wine and got money from us, so time to close up shop and tell us to be good. I'm still waiting for the organist to belt out the theme from Phantom of the Opera - that would be cool!

12:59 am – We’re not the first ones out of the church, surprisingly. But fortunately we’re only parked across the street, shouldn’t be too hard to get out.

1:03 am – At the car, someone has us fucking parked in. I mean for Christ’s sake it’s a church parking lot, stupid people.

1:10 am – someone finally comes to move their car, inconsiderate bastards…oh wait it’s the people that were sitting in front of us.

1:15 am – I swear church people are the most rude fucking inconsiderate bastards in the entire world, people are pulling out in front of us left and right, even though we have the right of way. Thank goodness I’m not driving, otherwise I would have taken us up on the sidewalk and wiped out a few people!

1:25 am – finally out on the street and heading home. All I can say is that fucking Santa Claus had better have been at the house already, because if he wakes me up I will NOT be happy.

Merry Christmas, one and all, I hope that you have a wonderful, happy, and safe Holiday with your family and your loved ones.

**NOTE*** - No Catholics were hurt in the making of this blog post! Oh yeah, and this whole thing was a joke, I hope you know that. We did go to the 6:00 pm session (is that what it's called, I don't know) and the entire event was beautiful, very churchy and very interesting. Hopefully I should be good until next years event!


Andi said...

'very churchy'............

Love it!

xmichra said...

lol.. totally didn't know it was a joke till the end.. lol!!!

Merry christmas Michael :)

Anonymous said...

That was hilarious. I too thought it was real right up until the end. I was imaging you sitting in the pew with your laptop typing away.

Anonymous said...

I'm going to church with you from now on!

Anonymous said...

my non-catholic husband went to his first ever midnight mass last year and I think he'd say that you captured it perfectly!

Anonymous said...

What? No Laura Branigan? I'd have been so disappointed.