Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Monday, September 24, 2007

I'm Tired

WHAT a weekend! Whew!

All I can say is that I went to bed at 8:30 last night, I was so tired that I missed one of my fav shows "The Girls Next Door" and it was the episode where they were doing an exercise video!

When the alarm clock blared this morning at 6:12 (that gives me two 9 minute snoozes) I screamed NO louder than Jodie Foster did in The Accused when she was getting raped on that pinball machine, there was no way that almost 10 hours had passed, I didn't want to believe it, but I had to.

Lets go back in time.......It all started on Friday..........

Whenever Andi-licious comes into town it's a Par-Tay! And boy was this weekend a partay. Andi-licious flew in via private jet, sponsored by Southwest, Friday afternoon and was whisked away via my limo disguised as a Ford Focus through the mean streets of Chicago's South Side. The amazing thing, I only cursed 47 times on the way home, that was a record low number for me!

Friday afternoon we spent a few hours at Hollywood Beach (the notorious Gay Beach) getting free Microdermabrasion Treatments, courtesy of Mother Nature and the swirling sand.

The Roommate made a fabulous dinner which we ate on the deck and then enjoyed participating in Synphoria - WOW, what a night!

We almost got up with the sun on Saturday morning and spent the day recovering from the night before, while shopping for the last bits of odds and ends for the Husband Hunting party later that evening. Were all fortunate to be recipients of afternoon naps and and had the house in tip-top, ship-shape order just in time for our guests to arrive.

Little did we know that they would actually show up on time, the poor first guests thought the party started at 8:00 and thought showing up at 9:00 they wouldn't be the first ones....well surprise surprise they were right on time! We're never used to Queens showing up on time - but we were ready for them.

The Buffet was laid out in all of it's camoflauge glory, artfully decorated to blend in with the rest of the room, The Wii room was in "stadium mode" ready to take on all of the artful players, the Bar was set up, and the Tiki Torches were lit in the backyard!

Before we knew it the house was FULL, it was busting at it's seams, literally! We didn't get an official count but there were at least 80 to 90 people there!

We went through more than 150 pounds of ice, yes you read that right 150 pounds of ice! It was out of control, we had to send the troops out for more ice in the middle of the party!

We had birthday cake at 11:30 to which the crowd sung a version of Happy Birthday that rivaled Roseann Barr's rendition of The National Anthem - but it was sung with love and that's all that really matters.

I swear this is the last time I'm hosting a party and not hiring help. It seemed as though all I did was walk around and pick up trash, paper plates and cups. Would it kill any of those queens to put a plate in the trash can?

At 2:45 I asked The Roommate if it was time to shut down the party and kick the last of the remaining guests out onto the sidewalk in front of our house? He looked at me and said "well go to bed." I pointed to the futon that is in the kitchen and said "Well there's my bed." So he yelled with all his might "Michael wants to go to bed, so you've all got to go home" and I artfully added "It's also 2:45"

After we did a final sweep of the house and kicked the last of the partygoers out I pulled out the futon and fell into a fitful sleep.

Sunday was a day of recovery...sleeping late.....pulling the blinds to make the house as dark as possible and barely turning up the volume of the was bliss!

We somehow got Andi-licious back to the airport and made our way to a New Home BBQ at a friends house down the street.

The next thing I knew it was 8:00 and I could barely keep my eyes open!

Friday, September 21, 2007

A Hunting We Shall Go, A Hunting We Shall Go

You'll never guess who's coming to town this weekend? Ok, have you given up yet? Not yet? Oh you'll never guess!

Andi-licious is making one of her semi-annual trips to the great city of Chicago this weekend! We've got all sorts of exciting things planned for her, tonight we're going to Synphoria where she'll be amazed, and It's The Roommates Birthday this weekend so we're hosting a fabulous party for him and at the same time getting ready for Winter.

This Sunday, the 23rd, represents the "official" end of summer and the start of Autumn and what typically happens in Autumn? Hunting Season! To celebrate The Roommates B-Day we're hosting a "Husband Hunting Safari"

Yep, you read that right, a Husband Hunting Safari, it's the perfect time of year really, summer is over and long winter nights are ahead of us, it's the perfect time to track down and bag the elusive Winter Boyfriend.

The Winter Boyfriend is the perfect breed of boyfriend, the kind that wants to keep you warm during those long winter nights but also doesn't want you to get too fat so that when Spring Time rolls around you won't totally scare off all of the Beach Bunnies that he'll go chasing once he leaves your ass behind because after all you were his Winter Boyfriend, and not the other way around. Winter Boyfriends are the best!!

Husband Hunting is fun and easy, and everyone can join in. Everyone wears a nametag and/or a sticker to indicate that they are Unavailable, Available, but not completely or Totally Available. We're excited to be introducing a new program this year "The Catch & Release Program" it's exactly what it sounds like! We hope that this new program is as successful as our other programs have been in the past.
If you're around Saturday night, stop by and join in the festivities...and we'll let you wear a Red Sticker if you want to!

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

A Weekend Recap with Lynda Carter

I know it's Wednesday and "Weekend Recaps" are supposed to be on Monday's but that's neither here nor there is it?

Friday - The day that I had been waiting weeks for arrived, we would soon be sitting face to face with the lovely Wonder Woman, er, I mean Lynda Carter! I had my front row tickets in my hand and could hardly wait to be sitting and staring into the lovely eyes of Wonder Woman! Oh how I hoped she would be wearing her Bracelets and her Lasso of Truth, had she ensnared me in her lasso I would be obliged to tell her that as a wee boy I watched her show every week and fell in love with her. Well I wouldn't say fell in love with her, I wanted to BE HER! I know, what little boy didn't want to be Wonder Woman.

But alas, I know that Lynda Carter is not really Wonder Woman, and I doubted that she would even acknowledge WW, but I still wanted to see her.

When we got to the theater I quickly found out that our so called Front Row Seats were not actually Front Row at all (Hey, I want my $65.00 + $10.50 convenience fee back) but instead we were the front row of the actual seats, there were tables and a swath of floor space about 15 feet between us and Wonder Woman, er Lynda! All I can say is that I'm glad that I didn't pop that money for those roses!

The theater probably holds about 450 people there are three "slices" to it and unfortunately only one slice was actually full, so there were about 100-150 people there.

Lynda has a good voice, not a great voice, but a good voice and she put on a very nice show. She sang "torch songs" and I knew most of them, which is always good. She sang for about an hour and a half, she did a little WW tribute where she spun around (but didn't change into her costume unfortunately), interacted with the audience and even did an encore.

She looks AMAZING and best of all, she seemed to have a really great time performing, to me that's the best part of it. For a performer to really be enjoying themselves means much more to me than whether they have 50 foot video screens and a thousand backup dancers.

Would I go see her again? Hmmm....I don't think so.....Would I buy a CD of hers? Probably.

Saturday - Today was the Great Lakes Clean Up Day so a friend and I headed over to our local Gay Beach, grabbed some blue gloves and trash bags and started picking up beach trash. NO, not the kind of beach trash you wouldn't take home to your mother, the other kind of beach trash - cigarette butts, cans, plastic, etc.

We had committed to working for an hour - because my friend had to go to work - so we got busy. It was also some other kind of "clean up day" so in addition to picking up trash, we had to count it as well. They wanted to see what the most picked up trash was.

We spent our hour combing the beach, picking, counting, throwing things in the bags, by the time we finished we had a nice collection of trash. As we walked back to the central table to turn in our trash I started counting: 136 cigarette butts, 15 soda caps, 23 pieces of food wrappers, amongst other pieces of trash etc.

The list they gave us had all sorts of things on it from Lobster Traps to Car Parts to 55 Gallon Drums, it was obviously a standard form so when I got back to the check-in table I pretended like we were on a scavenger hunt and told the little old lady "I'm still looking for that Lobster Trap and those condoms, can you point me in the right direction, I really want to win?" To which she gave me a look like a dog gives you when he hears a strange noise and cocks his head....I guess she didn't get my humor.

Sunday - I forget what happened on Sunday, must not have been that important!

Monday, September 17, 2007

Shall we Wii?

Can I tell you that my purchase of a Nintendo Wii a few weeks back was THE BEST PURCHASE EVER!

We have played Wii everyday and sometimes way past our bedtimes as The Roommate confessed to me the other night - after he played 42 tennis matches!

I've already purchased too many games and we've had Wii Tournaments several times already. In fact i'm trying to organize a Wii Bowling League with some friends in the neighborhood!

Getting used to the controls is pretty simple but it truly makes gaming a whole new experience, no longer do you get "Atari Thumb" from mashing the button so much. No instead you get Wii Shoulder and Wii Elbow. Yesterday I was walking around Chicago with a friend when I said "Geez for some reason my right shoulder has really been bothering me for the last few days" Hmm....I guess I've been playing my own share of Tennis - it really is addictive.

The other "fun thing" about the Wii is that you get to create your own Mii a facial representation of yourself so that you know who is who when you're playing multi-player games. All I can say is that some of the Mii's on our console are eerily similar to their human owner!

The Wii is an amazing piece of equipment for the price, it includes Wi-Fi so you can connect to your network and all sorts of news and weather information, truly amazing.

So do you have a Wii? We should "link our Wii's and share our Mii's"

Do you love your Wii as much as we do?

Friday, September 14, 2007

How do you respond to that?

So you're in the bathroom at work and the person in the stall next to you sneezes and then you hear a plop, what is the proper response:

a) Bless You
b) Gesundheit
c) Bullseye

Pity the poor Sprinkles

No not the Porn Star Annie Sprinkles, the sprinkles that used to be on donuts.

The Dunkin Donuts that is across the street from our office was closed for 3-months this summer so that they could renovate the store and turn it from a regular Dunkin Donuts into a Dunkin Donuts/Baskin Robins combo. Coffee - donuts - ice cream - what a deadly combination!

I'm not a coffee drinker, per se, but I do love me some Iced Coffee. I had been trying to wean myself from the terrible caffeine monster and it was very easy to do because the store was closed but NOW that they've reopened, I can't help myself.

I find myself mindlessly walking there every morning before I head into the office so that I can get a Large Iced Hazelnut with cream and sugar! Oh it's so yummy....and it makes me tingle about an hour after I drink and for some reason I get this huge burst of energy followed by an even stronger urge to curl up under my desk a la George Costanza and take a nap.

This morning as I approached the register the girl repeated my order before I even had a chance to open my mouth. I was both excited and appalled. Excited because it was 7 fewer words that I had to speak, especially that early in the morning and appalled because OMG am I that predictable? I guess that I am.

As I was standing there I looked over the donuts (I'm not a huge donut fan) and I saw that they only had one tray of sprinkle donuts and they weren't even fully covered in sprinkles! Only about a quarter of the top of the donut was covered in sprinkles the rest was just plain chocolate topping - now don't get me wrong, I love chocolate topping, especially right out of the container. But if a donut is labeled as "sprinkles" shouldn't there be more than 15 sprinkles on it? So I ordered one, just so I could take a picture of it and share it with you.

As I reached for my coffee it looked much smaller than before and I asked "Is this a large?" Oh no, that's a medium came the reply. She remakes my coffee and I walk out of the store knowing that I'm about to get my morning buzz on.

It's not until I get to the office, open my bag with it's sad little donut and go to shake up my coffee to mix in the sugar - when I realize, there's no freaking sugar in the coffee.

They really need to get better people to work there...honestly, how difficult is it to make coffee. Of all the food industries that are out there that serve the public - coffee maker at Dunkin Donuts has got to be the easiest. I mean it's not like Starbucks where you've got to learn what all the sizes mean and then know how to make all of those concoctions. At "The Double D" you really only have to maybe add some cream and some sugar - which is apparently a difficult task.

Excuse me while I ingest my caffeine.

Happy Friday!

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Spin Bitch, Spin!

Oh, I'm so excited that I'm tingling all over, it's almost like when your leg falls asleep and you go to stand up but instead fall over on your face and flounder around on the ground for a bit.

I'm not a huge Concert Fan, I guess because I don't like having huge speakers blasting music at me even though I'm a thousand feet away and can't see the artist other than on the huge video screens that typically accompany said concert.

I have seen some concerts recently that I enjoyed, like: Bette Midler, Rufus Wainwright, that Lesbian Country/Pop Singer what's her name - no not Rosie oh yeah, Melissa Etheridge (actually I LOVED her concert because she sang for 2 hours straight, er I mean 2 hours gayily), and there have been other concerts that have not been as much fun (Madonna - outrageously priced tickets, turning off the AC, making us wait an hour to start the show and the stupid C You Next Thursday's that stood the entire time even though they were the front fucking row of the balcony at the far end of the arena - stupid bitches).

But this Friday evening I got tickets to go see "An Intimate Evening with Lynda Carter."

Yep, you read that correctly - Lynda Carter, aka Wonder Woman!

I just found out about the concert a few weeks ago and immediately logged onto Ticketmaster to see if tickets were available and how much they were....well color me surprised when I selected the "best available" option and was given Front Row, Center Seats!

There must have been something wrong, I mean why would Front Row seats still be available this close to the concert - well after I thought about it for 12 seconds I entered my credit card number and got my confirmation number.

Can you believe that Ticketmaster charges a $10.50 fucking convenience fee per ticket(oops, sorry for swearing but that fee is ridiculous).

Regardless, or as an old boss of mine used to say irregardless, I'm going to see Wonder Woman this Friday night and she's gonna stare at me all night.

I told my friend that I was going to get a dozen long stem roses and after each song walk up to her and say "That was great, this is for you." Is that a little stalkerish?

Or I could just sit there and after every song yell "Spin Wonder Woman, SPIN!!! I didn't pay $68 a ticket plus a convenience fee to just have you stand up there and sing. Spin Bitch Spin" (you know I would never do that, right.....)

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Oh la la - you gotta love the French

Oh my, I knew the French were good for something (besides giving us Antipodese), they also have Rugby. Antipodese posted the other day about one of their Caveman-esque rugby players, I must agree that even though he looks like he's Cro-Magnon Man, he's pretty hot! He looks like one of those boys that would let you do your business and then punch you in the face because he liked it!

So not only is Antipodese rugby crazy, it appears as though the rest of France is as well, especially some sandwich maker likes it too, because they've produced a calendar with Rugy Players wearing their underwear and stuffing foot longs in their mouths.

Check out this downloadable calendar HERE

You will never hear me complain about hot boys in underwear stuffing things in their mouths.......who knows you might get a punch in the face afterwards - and enjoy it!

Six Years!

Monday, September 10, 2007

Winter is coming

You can tell winter is coming sooner than later. It seems like only a few months back when George came up to watch the Super Bowl with us (well with my Roommate) and we were bitching about how cold it was.

Then we had a blast of furnace heat this summer with numerous days in the 90's and all of us running from air conditioned house to air conditioned car to air conditioned office and then repeat the whole sequence at the end of the day - whew that was tiring!

Memorial Day is a distant memory and Labor Day has also passed, which means that there are no longer life guards at the beach and we can therefore swim out as far as we want to without being yelled at.

Yesterday was a perfect day at the beach with temps in the mid 70's and 6 blankets laid end to end so we all had enough space to do aerobics (if we wanted to), we blissfully hoped that this would not in fact be the "last beach day" of the season, as we all know that soon again tempertures will be dropping and we'll be bundling up in more and more clothing.

It is inevitable that winter will come once again, as much as we hope that it won't, every year around this time it happens. The stores start to put all of the summer clothes on clearance to make room for puffy jackets filled with down and pants made of heavy courdoury.

In fact, I purchased my first pair of winter cords yesterday while I was doing some shopping, a most definite sign of winters impending arrival.

As I was flipping channels last night another bastion of the impending doom of winter appeared on the TV - FOOTBALL! Oh for god's sake, baseball isn't even freaking over yet!

On top of that, I also found a grey hair, not on my head.....not in my goatee...a little further south....further south....yeah right there?!? So I've confirmed that Winter is coming AND I'm getting older, and here you were hoping for a happy ending!

You'll need to get your own happy ending next time you get a massage, just ask about it!

Thursday, September 06, 2007

A Weekend of Technology!

Ah, the joys of being Gay and not having crumbsnatchers running around asking for toys and food, it's great! It means I get to spend all of my money on me and the gadgets that make my life exciting!

This past weekend I stopped at my local Best Buy to puruse their collection of Cell Phones. My contract with the heinous corporation that is called Cingular had recently expired and it was time for me to get a new cell phone AND a new cell provider. Cingular isn't really that bad (yes it is) I used to drop calls all the time and I could only barely receive reception at my house. The only place where I could reliably get a signal was in my bedroom (which is not bad if you're having phone sex) or in the bathroom - conveniently there is a seat there, but who wants to talk while sitting on the throne?

On top of all that I had killed my Razr about 3 months ago - it deserved to die, it was THE WORST phone evah, and I had purchased a "replacement" phone on Craigslist because there was no way I was getting suckered into extending my contract with Craptacular.

After I entered the store I circled the Cell Phone area a few times. I didn't want the guy manning the area to know exactly what I was doing so I would look at two phones and then run over and look at a movie, then swoop back in and look at a few more phones, then run over to the cameras and I finally sat down in the "video game area" pulled out my binoculars and looked at the rest of the phones from afar. Once I found a few phones I liked I approached the area with my hands in my pockets and whistling a tune so that it looked like I just "happened" upon the cell phone kiosk.

Of course the young man (at my age everyone is a young man) approached me and started firing questions at me: What was I looking for? Did I want to send Video Messages to my BFF's? Did I even know what TXT'ing was?

I, in turn, looked him straight in the eyes and gave him my list of demands:

- No Cingular - EVER (shouted just like Mommie Dearest, I might add)
- I wanted a cool phone
- No 2-year contract

Well wouldn't you know, the little bugger ended up getting me to sign a 2-year contract, but I also got a new carrier (Verizon - so now I get to call my parents for free) and a VERY cool phone. I got the new LG Chocolate 8550, music player, cameraphone, it does everything except pleasure me manually, but I think there's an add on for that at only $9.95 a month.

As I was standing there waiting for him to fill out the paperwork I looked at the impulse items that were sitting on a table, only they weren't impulse items. At first I had to take a second glance....were those Wii's sitting out there - in the open?

Holy Mother of God, it was....there were 5 Wii's sitting out there all by themselves. How could this bii? Wii's have notoriously been out of stock since before last Christmas, yet right here in front of me were sitting 5 of them. This was unimaginable!

I looked around to see if there was a line for these little Wii's and to my surprise there wasn't, there wasn't even a buzz that they were sitting there. There was nothing indicating that there were Wii's in the open and available for purchase, in fact it looked almost like a clearance table - thus the reason why there were still sitting there.

Being the sly person that I am, I quickly reached over, grabbed a Wii, an extra controller, an extra nun-chuck, an extra game and sashayed over to where Mr. Man was completing my cell phone contract.

I set the merchandise down and nonchalantly said "Oh, yeah, I'll take this too." You shoudl have seen his eyes when my bill went from just a measly $99 + tax all the way to a skyrocketing half a grand!

So now, I am the proud owner of a very cool and very exciting new phone but also the proud owner of a Wii!

The Wii is SO MUCH FUN!!!!!! Let me know when you're in the neighborhood and we'll have a Wii Championship, I think you'll love it as much as I do.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

PSA: Dirty Murses and Purses

Since I carry a Murse and most of you out there carry a Purse I thought I would share this little ditty that my sister sent me. Most of the things sent via email are nothing more than scare tactics, I think, but this one really makes sense.


Who'd a thunk?

Have you ever noticed gals who sit their purses on public restroom floors - that go directly to their dining room tables?

Happens a lot! It's not always the 'restaurant food' that causes stomach distress. Sometimes "what you don't know 'will' hurt you"!

Read on...Mom got so upset when guests came in the door and plopped their purses down on the counter where she was cooking or setting up the buffet. She always said that purses are really dirty, because of where they have been. Smart Momma!!!

It's something just about every woman (and a lot of metrosexuals and gay boys) carries with them. While we may know what's inside our purses, do you have any idea what's on the outside? Shauna Lake put purses to the test - for bacteria - with surprising results.

You may think twice about where you put your purse.

Women carry purses everywhere; from the office to public restrooms to the floor of the car.
Most women won't be caught without their purses, but did you ever stop to think about where your purse goes during the day?

"I drive a school bus, so my purse has been on the floor of the bus alot," says one woman. "On the floor of my car, probably in restrooms." "I put my purse in grocery shopping carts, on the floor of bathroom stalls while changing a diaper," says another woman and of course in my home which should be clean."

We decided to find out if purses harbor a lot of bacteria. We learned how to test them at Nelson Laboratories in Salt Lake, then we set out to test the average woman's purse. Most women told us they didn't stop to think about what was on the bottom of their purse. Most said they usually set their purses on top of kitchen tables and counters where food is prepared.

Most of the ladies we talked to told us they wouldn't be surprised if their purses were at least a little bit dirty. It turns out purses are so surprisingly dirty, even the microbiologist who tested
them was shocked. Microbiologist Amy Karren of Nelson Labs says nearly all of the purses tested were not only high in bacteria, but high in harmful kinds of bacteria Pseudomonas can cause eye infections, staphylococcus aurous can cause serious skin infections, and salmonella and e-coli found on the purses could make people very sick. In one sampling, four of five purses tested positive for salmonella, and that's not the worst of it. "There is fecal contamination on the purses," says Amy.

Leather or vinyl purses tended to be cleaner than cloth purses, and lifestyle seemed to play a role. People with kids tended to have dirtier purses than those without, wi th one exception. The purse of one single woman who frequented nightclubs had one of the worst contaminations of all. Some type of feces, or even possibly vomit or something like that," says Amy.

So the moral of this story - your purse won't kill you, but it does have the potential to make you very sick if you keep it on places where you eat.

Use hooks to hang your purse at home and in restrooms, and don't put it on your desk, a restaurant tab le, or on your kitchen countertop. Experts say you should think of your purse the same way you would a pair of shoes. "If you think about putting a pair of shoes onto your countertops, that's the same thing you're doing when you put your purse on the countertops" - your purse has gone where every individual before you has spat, coughed, urinated
emptied bowels, etc!

Do you really want to bring that home with you?

The microbiologists at Nelson also said cleaning a purse will help. Wash cloth purses and use leather cleaner to clean the bottom of leather purses.


Don't let your purse kill you!

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

He is such a Bitch!

The Roommate went out of town this weekend to participate in a softball tournament.

Me, being the lovely and gracious roommate that I am, begrudingly told the roommate that he would have to get a dog walker for his leg-licker of a dog. No, I didn't.

I was happy to watch the leg-licker, even though he ignores the fuck out of me all the time and doesn't even acknowledge my existence, but then I guess it works out well, because I don't acknowledge his existence either, well except for the golden colored tumbleweeds that are floating through our apartment.

It's always a very interesting experiement when The Roommate goes out of town, because I SWEAR that dog knows it, even before it's happening. The day before the vacation starts the dog suddenly looks at me and starts paying attention to me, following me around the house, like this one day of attention is going to change how I feel about him.

On the first day of the vacation The Dog refuses to walk further than a block from home and when we return he runs in the house thinking The Roomate is there ready to scream SURPRISE.

On Day Two The Dog realizes that "i'm IT" and proceeds to scratch at my door at 6:45am to tell me that if his real Dad was home he would have been out chasing squirrels already. He refuses to eat- well that is except for Milk Bone Treats and pieces of cheese studded with his allergy medicine , he'll still drink like he's going to be stranded in the desert but he stops eating He will walk further from home but still rushes back to check and see if a Surprise Party is going on.

Day Three it starts to sink in that he might actually be stuck with ME for the rest of his life. Suddenly he acknowledges me when I walk in a room - although barely, and he might nibble a bit of food just to keep his energy up, he finally poops on Day Three and boy is it a poop! He poops and runs which makes it difficult to capture his massive poop in the thin grocery bag wrapped around my hand - ugh!

By Day Four he is thoroghly convinced that The Roomate will never return and starts to pay attention to my by wagging his tail and eating all of the delicious food that I place in his bowl. By mid-afternoon The Roommate returns to a face full of kisses (from the dog, not me), growls, barks and noises indicating that he should never ever leave him again. The Dog now walks by me in the hallway and forces me to move out of his way.

I swear that Dog is such a bitch!