Wednesday, June 25, 2008

The Gay Saves The Day

All I can say is "Thank God for the Gays!" otherwise our little celebration would have been ruined.

Yesterday our company (well our Parent Company) announced thier Quarterly results and they were great! The best we've had in a long time.

So to celebrate, our boss got us all together to make the announcement - and even provided snacks. And that snack happened to be a bottle of Sutter Home at work - what a fabulous idea. But wait, it's that new Sutter Home Fre wine? WTF is that?

Well, in case you didn't know, FRE is the alcohol free version of wine. Considering that we were on company property we weren't allowed to have real booze but our boss still wanted to celebrate.

My question though is: Why in the world would a company make alcohol free wine? It tastes like piss and I'm sure that a recovering alcoholic wouldn't drink it to remind them of what they're missing.

Regardless of the inefficiences of alcohol free alcohol, when The Boss went to open the bottle, it was found to be stuffed with a cork instead of the screw off cap that had been promised.

Screams were uttered and epitaths were thrown - where were we going to find a corkscrew? Would we be forced to push the cork into the bottle with a pen and pair of scissors? Would we need to call maintenance to find a large bolt and a pair of pliars?

Before things got too out of control with three-ring binders and staplers being thrown around, I remembered that I had a Swiss Army Knife at my desk. Fortunately our office is not like the TSA and they allow us to have weapons or knives at our desk, for that was our saving grace.

I deftly pulled out my little corkscrew and went to town on the bottle showing everyone the proper way to put it between your legs and pull as hard as humanly possible.

I struggled for a few moments and finally the cork popped free of it's restraints and everyone let up a cheer. Not so much that we were about to drink alcohol free White Zin but that we actualy overcame the tortuous cork!

As the cork flew from it's confines the bottle shook and a little bit of the elixir jumped out of the bottle and flew onto one of my co-workers black leather boot. I looked at her and said "I'd lick it off, but I'd probably get in trouble and there isn't any booze there so it's not like it's Alcohol Abuse." (Fortunately she giggled)

But alas, The Gay Saves The Day, and we all forced ourselves to finish off our two fingers of Alcohol Free White Zinfandel, all the while cheering our successes and promising ourselves we'd never drink that crap again.


Andi said...

*Cheers for Michael*

I knew you had it in you!


Pete said...

gays have come so far since stonewall. kudos.

also, alcohol-free wine is almost as lame alchohol-free beer.

The Big Finn said...

Your post reminds me of a Ruben Kincaid quote from the Partridge Family:

"A bachelor should ALWAYS have a corkscrew on hand!" said...

Oh Michael, you were in jeopardy! I once opened a bottle of wine (in the company of a German and a Russian lady) with a Swiss Army Knife and it went quite wrong. The neck of the bottle broke and my forearm has now a 3 inch long suicide-attempt-style of scar.

Ice John's World said...

Yeah, good job, Michael! I guess they make the alcohol free alcohol for the poor residents in Utah maybe because I saw the first time of alcohol free beer there.