Tuesday, September 30, 2008

I'm voting Republican this year

Even though I'm a Democrat, I think I'm going to vote off ticket this year. My friend Tim sent me this email and it really convinced me.

These are some compelling reasons to vote Republican this year, I hope that you'll reconsider.

I'm voting Republican because if condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

I'm voting Republican because providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

I'm voting Republican because global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

I'm voting Republican because Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

I'm voting Republican because a president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but it's OK when you're an Arizona Senator or the Governor of Alaska; a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

I'm voting Republican because a woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

I'm voting Republican because Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals, Jews, or anyone different from you.

I'm voting Republican because I'm a multi-millionaire and the tax breaks are great. I pay people to put gas in the tanks of my yacht, fleet of cars and leer jet. I don't know what you think is wrong with the economy. It works for me and my billionaire friends. Stop your whining and make more than 5 million a year and you can see the tax breaks, and get your own golden parachute.

I'm voting Republican because once you are a hero you have that title for life regardless of what a manipulative liar and desperate politician you become later in life.

I'm voting Republican because the best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

I'm voting Republican because group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican, or marry a divorced Arizona senator.

I'm voting Republican because a good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

I'm voting Republican because HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart, and if you can't afford $12000/year in healthcare insurance you don't deserve decent healthcare.

I'm voting Republican because being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're an untra conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

I'm voting Republican because Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness. Who needs insurance when you can go to an Emergency Room? Just wait until you get the hospital bill and they put a lien on your house when you can't pay it.

I'm voting Republican because "Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India, or countries that just hate Americans but lover the almight dollar.

I'm voting Republican because Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages, not paying women equal pay for equal work, a minimum wage that believe $13000/year is enough for anyone to live on, and censoring the Internet.

I'm voting Republican because the public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving/military/police records, McCain's houses, and Palin's income tax history is none of your business.

I'm voting Republican because what Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

I'm voting Republican because trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with Communist China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony. Don't forget the Saudi's too - they're our best friends.

I'm voting Republican because being pro-life means you care about fetuses but when they turn 18 you send them off to die in senseless and avoidable wars, and kill prisoners who commit capital crimes unless they cannot afford a million dollar dream team of lawyers.

I'm voting Republican because there aren't enough religious extremists in the world. By voting Republican we can get our very own extremist in the White House and start making suicide vest right here in the good ole U-S of A.

I'm voting Republican because I want another retarded redneck in the white house.

I'm voting Republican because when Jamie Lynn Spears gets pregnant, her parents are ignorant opportunist, but when Bristol Palin gets pregnant, her Mom should be Vice President of the United States.

YES... voting REPUBLICAN definitely seems the right choice for me.

Monday, September 29, 2008

My first celebrity interview

When Good Pumpkins Go Bad or Halloween just officially became LAME!

When Good Pumpkins Go Bad
Originally uploaded by Michael_L
First it was the poor weatherman and now it's Halloween.

I was cruising around this morning and just happened along the new Pumpkin Masters Power Poker and Saw.

I won't tell you what I originally thought of when I read the words "Power Poker" ok yeah I will, I thought "You brought her, you poke her."

But seriously, they're taking all of the fun out of Halloween....half the fun of Halloween (at least when I was growing up) was making your own costumes and carving pumpkins. We always had a contest to see who could do the best Jack o'lantern using only a steak knife and a spoon. My sister always won, I usually got a hang nail.

I grew up in a small town and every year they had a big Halloween Party at the "One Room School House" (my Dad actually went to school there before they opened the "big school"). It was a huge party, where everyone got dressed up in home-made costumes - none of this "I bought it at the store" stuff and we played Bingo and ate ice cream and drank cider. The only cost to attending this party was to bring a small wrapped gift that went into the pool for Bingo winners.

One year my father went as a "robot". He took a 55-gallon barrel, cut holes in it with a welding torch, put a bucket on top and used dryer venting as the arms....he dropped us off at the party first and then he showed up about 20 minutes later (so that no one would know who he was). He ended up winning the contest that year because it was the most creative costume and since he wouldn't talk to anyone no one knew who he was - he was the "most intriguing guest."

But now with the advent of the Power Poker and Saw AND the Power Scoop, commercialism has finally put the last nail in the coffin for Halloween. Now you just go to Target buy the most "popular" costume and grab a Power Poker! How much fun can it be to "create" a Jack o'lantern if you're using an electric knife? Half of the fun was making sure you didn't cut off a finger. The other half of the fun was digging inside the pumpkin, pulling out all of that gross stuff and flinging it at your sister when she wasn't looking.

Unfortunately though, people don't want to have that fun any longer....instead they want to print out a stencil on their computer, use battery powered knives and scoopers and "make" a pumpkin that someone else created for them. Where is the fun in that?

I would much rather dress up in a home-made costume, go to the Church Hall and play Bingo. Although I do remember one year I was rather disappointed because I actually won a game of bingo and picked the most fancily wrapped present.....it was a bible! So now I only pick crappily wrapped presents.

What are you going to be for Halloween?

Friday, September 26, 2008

WICKED: A Second Look

The Marquee

I went to see Wicked the other night. Last week when I was attending to my Civic Duty and attempting to get on a high profile murder Jury I walked into the Oriental Theater and purchased a single seat ticket to a show the following week.

Wicked arrived in Chicago a little more than 3 years ago and has been playing strong....but they announced earlier this summer that they will be closing in January 2009. I guess everyone in Chicagoland has seen it.

I had been wanting to go see it again and I figured since I wasn't paying those ridiculous Ticketmaster surcharges that it was the perfect time to buy a ticket. I bought the best ticket I could ($90) and was sitting in row L on the aisle - a good seat.

Last time I saw Wicked we were all the way in the balcony near the Fire Exit, and even though I liked the show then - I was very disappointed with the ending - which sort of threw off my whole attitude towards the show. Plus at that time it was new and I was excited about it.

This time, it wasn't new, and I wasn't so excited about it, so I had a totally different experience.

The one thing that really put a bad taste in my mouth the first time was the whole ending (I'm not going there - so no spoilers here, you'll need to go read the original review for those), this time since I already knew the ending I could chew up the show and enjoy it for what it was and find all the "clues" they had hidden.

Let's just say that sitting close to the stage and knowing the end I had a whole new perspective of the show. The acting, costumes, sets and singing were all still phenomenal - even for a show that's been playing for 3+ years. There were parts though that I felt the singing was rushed and they didn't the "emotion" right but those were minor annoyances and it's my fault for listening to the "perfect" soundtrack so many times.

This time I enjoyed the show immensely, it's like watching "The Sixth Sense" for the second time and you realize that old Brucey is dead, this time I was able to enjoy the show for what it was and not what I wanted it to be.

The entire cast put out so much energy it was amazing, you honestly could not tell that they have done this show so many times that it's probably like walking to the bathroom in the dark for them. One of the benefits of sitting so close as well was the chance to see the actors faces - there were several cute Asian boys in the Chorus and the guy that plays Fieryo is very handsome - too bad he turned into the Scarecrow.

I'm still upset at the ending, but I'll get over that!

I can totally see why they are closing, a good third of the orchestra seats were empty on the evening I went. They only had one bar open on each floor but had 4 souvenir stands open (they wanted $19 for some silly green "Emerald City Sunglasses" - it's obvious where they're trying to make money now).

I'm sure that once the holidays start gearing up seats will be hard to find so if you've been wanting to see it, I would suggest going now.

So to take a note from all of the advertising:

"The longer you wait to see Wicked, the longer you'll wait"

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Why I don't go to the gym

Because I'm afraid this will happen, and I'm not that limber any more....hell I was never that limber!

Monday, September 22, 2008

Take time to vote NO to Palin!


I just found out that PBS is running a Poll with a single question:

Do you think Sarah Palin is qualified to serve as Vice President of the United States?

That answer has to be NO. The "Right Wing" has organized a "YES" campaign and at the time when I got the email the stats were 54% YES to 45% NO.

When I submitted my vote it was down to 51% YES to 48% NO.

Take 30 seconds out of your day and click to vote!


Friday, September 19, 2008

What I learned at Jury Duty

I had Jury Duty this week, I actually liked it. Call me a dork, call me a nerd, call me a geek and I'll reply to any. I enjoy Jury Duty (or other types of Civic Responsiblity) because I like to see "how things work" and Jury Duty is one of those things where you get to see it from the inside out.

The day was pretty non-exciting. I showed up at the Court Building at 8:30 sharp, got my number and planted myself at a table where I expected to sit for the next several hours. Fortunately, my "Panel Number" was the first group of the day to be called - images of me telling the Judge "Guilty As Charged, Your Honor" flashed in front of my eyes. But alas, it was not to be.

We got upstairs to the Jury Room, sat around for 20 minutes and the Judge came in to give us a speech thanking us for our service, but the case had come to a settlement and that they wouldn't be needing us. We were going back to the Waiting Area.

After a brief 30 minutes we were on our way back to a Courtroom and while we were in transit, the Deputy said "I don't know why they're calling you, they just settled." STRIKE TWO!!!!

I gave up the thoughts of being called to serve on a Glamours Jury and instead took heed that we were just going to be using the elevator all day to go up and and down.

We were only in the Waiting Room for about 15 minutes when our number got called again, Third Times The Charm I kept repeating to myself. When we entered the courtroom - everyone was there. The lawyers, the Court Reporter (who btw, I want to be a Stenographer now), the Bailiff (who didn't look anything like Moose or Roz from Night Court). This was the big time! There was no settling in this case, it was going to Trial....whoo hooo!!!!!

They called the first 12 people to sit in the Jury box and the questioning began. They were asking silly questions like "What do you do for a living? Are you Married? Do you have Children?" I was hoping that it was just going to be on LA Law and they were going to intimidate the Jury and make them cry - TV LIES!!!!

They selected two people from the first round and sent them to the Jury Room, they sent 8 back to the jury pool via the back hallway and they dismissed two (I guess they were weeding out the unsavory). We went to lunch and after we returned they called the next 12, they called my name 8th, so I was Second Row, Second Seat.

Again with the silly questions "Uhm, no your honor I'm not married and btw, I'm not even in a long term relationship at this time, so if you know any hot boys tell them to call me" "Oh thank god, I don't have children - could you just IMAGINE (as my voice climbed an octave or two)" "I work your Honor, I work it EVERY DAY!"

When the Judge and Lawyers left the room to collaborate on who they were going to pick, everyone around me said "Oh we don't have to worry they've already got 10 people, they only dismissed 2 people from the first round." a few others mimicked that and I said "No, they only have 2, those 2 in the Jury Room, they dismissed 2 for the day and sent the other 8 back to the Jury Pool." Suddenly everyone got nervous because they thought they might get picked.

Sad to say, like most contests - my name was not called and I was asked to vacate the premises as soon as possible because my services were no longer needed. I don't know why they didn't pick me, maybe I wasn't gay enough?!?

But I did learn a few things about Jury Duty today:

  • TV Lies
  • People can't follow simple instructions (One Deputy told us about 15 times to wait for her at the end of the hall after we got off the elevator, people laughed about how many times she told us, but when we got off the elevator WTF did they do? Not wait where she told us to wait.)
  • People can't fill out forms, even when they're simple - like signing your name.
  • It's amazing how people dress, there is a total lack of respect. The interesting thing was to see the people that took it seriously that were not "professionals" dressed in their best because they were proud to be part of the Process.
  • People have no respect for the Judicial Process - I hope they never need to use it. The guy next to me in the Jury Box kept reaching in his bag to pull out pieces of candy and eating something that smelled terrible!
  • People who have nothing else to do (i.e. Unemployed people - remember they asked us what we did for a living - were the ones complaining the most about being there and that they had other things to do.
  • There were some funny lies that people tried to use to get out of Serving Jury Duty (funny thing, they were the ones that were picked...HA HA)
  • The only "fun" thing that happened was when the Judge said we were going to take a break, this woman in the back shouted "OH MAN" at which point the Judge (who up until this point had been very cool) turned into a bitch and said "Deputy, would you go find out what the problem is?" Apparently this woman was "trying to get out of here so I can pick up my kids from school", the Judge then picked up the Summons and said "Well, on the paperwork you received, it said you are to be available until at least 4:30 (and it was only 2:15) and you'll be here until it's finished. (I wonder if they called her name last, I know I would!!!)

So have you ever been called to Jury Duty? Did you serve?

Thursday, September 18, 2008

If Sarah Palin were your Momma, what would your name be?

Oh that crazy Sarah Palin, she's got some funky names for her babies, don't she?

That man of hers is might cute though, and I'll admit that she's not an unattractive woman - even if she is a Republican.

So there's this great Name Generator over HERE where you can find out what your name would be if Palin were yo' Momma.

I would be: Axe Diesel Palin

That's pretty hot isn't it?

Oh yeah, here's a picture of Todd Palin, he could be my baby Daddy...woof! - even if he is a republican, I wonder if he has met Senator Craig yet?

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Jury Duty

I can't believe that I have Jury Duty AGAIN! I was just looking and the last time I was called was 3 years ago.

I can't believe that they have gone through ALL of the available jurors in the city of Chicago and they've started to repeat the list....but alas I am going to Jury Duty tomorrow.

I got my summons about a month ago, and fortunately it said that I was an "alternate" and I was to call the day prior to my service to see if I was needed.

This afternoon I called, punched in a few numbers and the recording said "If your last name starts with any letter between C and N then you are required to show up for Jury Duty."


This is Cook County Jury Duty - fortunately it's downtown and not on the far south side or out in the burbs, so it will be easy to get to. I'm actually sort of excited, because I get to take the bus to work tomorrow and enjoy downtown during the business day. I never get to do that!!!!

So even though it's going to be a crappy day, it's gonna be fun because I'll be downtown.

Anyone near Daley Plaza...maybe we could meet up for lunch!

Friday, September 12, 2008

Indian Game Show Host gets Bitch Slapped

Holy Crap....have you seen this video? The one where the game show host chick gets bitch slapped...you've got to see this before they take it down.

This is the good one that actually shows what happened....trust me!!!

Thursday, September 11, 2008

7 Years Ago?

My how time flies......I can't believe that it's been 7 years since the fall of the World Trade Center.

I remember the time I went to the WTC, I had to have been 17, maybe 18, it was the first time that my girlfriend and I went to NYC - yes you read that correctly - My Girlfriend.

We were so naive about NYC, we were afraid of the subway and had no idea how to "take a taxi" so we walked all over the city in a day. We walked from Rockefeller Center all the way to the World Trade Center where we took the elevators all the way to the top and was amazed at how high we were. We then walked to Wall Street, through Chinatown and up through SoHo.

We walked SO much that day, but what were two country kids supposed to do that were afraid of the city? We walked through some bad neighborhoods but didn't care because it was better than the Subway. The first time I rode the subway I was with my friend Margaret, who grew up in Brooklyn, and she was sorely disappointed that the lights didn't go out during our trip...I on the other hand was ELATED that the lights didn't go out - I was such a corn husker back then!

I remember 9/11/01 just as clearly. I was in the office early and was in a meeting with my boss and a co-worker. The phone rang, my boss answered it, spoke for a few moments and said "Oh, Ok" and hung up the phone. "Apparently a plane hit a building in NYC." We carried on with our meeting. The phone rang again, "What, another plane hit...ok....ok...hey I'm in a meeting I'll call you back when I'm free." About that time we were speculating that it must have been a small plane that hit a building. Just then a co-worker walked in and said "A plane crashed into the World Trade Center."

We jumped from our seats and tried to get on the internet to find out what was going on.....we could not get anywhere, everything was at a standstill, pages were taking forever to load, it seemed as though everyone was trying to find out the same information. As the reality of it all sunk in, we were worried for ourselves being in Chicago and near the Sears Tower. It's hard to believe that it was 7 years ago.

So a moment of silence for all of those who were lost in the tragedy.

So where/what were you doing 7 years ago?

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Welcome to my living hell!

It was the best of times....it was the worst of times.

It was the best of times for my roommate, that's for sure. He has been so excited and been looking forward to September for as long as I can remember. All he kept saying was "September" over and over again, almost like a chant. I really didn't know what was so exciting about September, but hey I figure we've all got our own demons and September was his.

On Sunday I found out why he was so excited.....The Bears were playing, no not the shirtless overweight hairy guys that meet once a month to rub up against each other....The Bears as in the Chicago Bears....football.....did I lose you? You know, that game where they wear the big shoulder pads and tight pants and chase a little ball around.....ok, you're back on course.

I asked him, "Oh is this like a Preliminary Game" (trying to sound like I knew what I was talking about, and he said "Hell no, this is the first game of the season."

Football...already?!? Where did summer go? How did I miss it. He went onto explain that College Football was just getting started as well, and that's what he was really waiting for. On top of that is the fact that Major League Baseball is still going on every day of the week until the Super Series in October.

OMG - you know what that means? That means it's going to be sports sports sports all the time in the house for the next month. I guess I"m not going to be watching too much TV am I? It's times like this that I regret getting rid of cable. Well this and when you're sick from work and there's nothing but Court TV programs on...but that's the only time I regret getting rid of cable.

I guess I've got to load up my Netflix Queue with some Hitchcocks, Joan Crawfords and Rodgers & Hammerstein Musicals to tide me over until this month is over.

It was the best of times.....it was the worst of times.....

Saturday, September 06, 2008

The Barbershop

I've been going to barbers for as long as I can remember. I've gone to "hair stylist" before, but that only works when you have long hair and I don't have long hair.

I've not had long hair since High School which can be seen by my Senior Picture
One of my Senior Portraits

I don't see the value in paying someone 35-40 to give me a buzz cut, so other than a few failed experiments of me thinking that growing my hair out would be a good idea, I've almost exclusively gone to barbers.

I've also almost exclusively (except for the times when I think that a shorter or longer hair style works) worn a flat top. I came to terms years ago that no matter how I cut my hair, the only way that "really looks best" is a flat top. I think it's the easiest thing for men to do, just pick a hairstyle and go with it. I mean look at Donald Trump - obviously he's made that decision. By choosing one hair style we don't need to make that daily decision: do I wear it up, do I wear it down, it doesn't matter because with a flat top I can leave the house and not even comb my hair.

The only problem with short hair is that it takes a lot of maintenance. Ok, I'll give you a second to grasp your pearls and let a shriek escape from your lips, but it's true. I have to get my hair cut every two weeks otherwise I look like The Shaggy DA. Short hair only looks good short, after two weeks I pass that stage of being a cactus and quickly turn into a bush. And believe me you, a flattop that grows out is not pretty, in fact crew cuts that grow out are not pretty (think Chia Pet), it's amazing how strangely your hair grows.

So thus, I am sitting in my favorite barber shop waiting my turn. It's a Saturday afternoon and there are 6 people ahead of me. But I don't mind because they have wireless access and I only live a block and a half from this place.

Barbershops are an interesting place, this one in particular because it is a very mixed crowd, well mixed in that it has a lot of gay and straight clients. The guys here are friendly, they all know your name (if you go there often enough) and you never have any idea what the conversation of the day will be when you sit in their chair. Even though they havev two big flat screens on the wall that play sports, they still have plenty of things for a boy to do whilst awaiting a haircut - magazines!!!!!!

They have a ton of magazines here from Vanity Fair to Maxim to the National Enquirer. Typically I'll spend my time catching up on the latest celebrity news by feverishly reading as many of the trash mags I can while I wait - because you know I would never buy them!!!!!

There is another magazine I like to read while I'm sitting in the waiting area.....Playboy! Now don't forget, back in the days when we had cable one of my favorite shows aws "The Girls Next Door" and I secretly enjoy straight porn so I like to look through Playboy and see what all the fuss is about. Ok, some of the articles are interesting, but Vanity Fair has just as good articles - oh wait VF is porn for women, I just figured it out.

But honestly, I like to look at the naked ladies as they're all sprawled out , wearing exactly what they entered this world wearing - NOTHING.

Ok, I'll also admit that gay boys are fascinated with boobs, vagina's not so much, but boobs - hell yeah. I guess it's because even though we're gay we like to pretend what we would do with them if we had them. The difference between us and straight men is that we want to play with them to just play with them and not play with them as a prelude to sex.

Yes, it's true, gay men can appreciate the beauty of women, i.e. Charlize Theron, Angelina Jolie (if she weren't a whore and husband stealer) or even Roseanne Baar (ok, I'm just kidding there). But we can appreciate a hot woman - the difference is, we just want to sit and play with their boobs - but we don't want to fuck them.

One thing still intrigues me though - the vagina, I just don't get it - and no offense - but I don't want to : -)

So what do you look at when you go to get your hair cut?

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

If you order Take Out Chinese food and go pick it up, do you still tip them?

Monday, September 01, 2008

I'm at the grocery store, every lane is open with at least 10 people in each, was this holiday a surprise?