Tuesday, September 30, 2008

I'm voting Republican this year

Even though I'm a Democrat, I think I'm going to vote off ticket this year. My friend Tim sent me this email and it really convinced me.

These are some compelling reasons to vote Republican this year, I hope that you'll reconsider.

I'm voting Republican because if condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

I'm voting Republican because providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

I'm voting Republican because global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

I'm voting Republican because Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

I'm voting Republican because a president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but it's OK when you're an Arizona Senator or the Governor of Alaska; a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

I'm voting Republican because a woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

I'm voting Republican because Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals, Jews, or anyone different from you.

I'm voting Republican because I'm a multi-millionaire and the tax breaks are great. I pay people to put gas in the tanks of my yacht, fleet of cars and leer jet. I don't know what you think is wrong with the economy. It works for me and my billionaire friends. Stop your whining and make more than 5 million a year and you can see the tax breaks, and get your own golden parachute.

I'm voting Republican because once you are a hero you have that title for life regardless of what a manipulative liar and desperate politician you become later in life.

I'm voting Republican because the best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

I'm voting Republican because group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican, or marry a divorced Arizona senator.

I'm voting Republican because a good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

I'm voting Republican because HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart, and if you can't afford $12000/year in healthcare insurance you don't deserve decent healthcare.

I'm voting Republican because being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're an untra conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

I'm voting Republican because Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness. Who needs insurance when you can go to an Emergency Room? Just wait until you get the hospital bill and they put a lien on your house when you can't pay it.

I'm voting Republican because "Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India, or countries that just hate Americans but lover the almight dollar.

I'm voting Republican because Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages, not paying women equal pay for equal work, a minimum wage that believe $13000/year is enough for anyone to live on, and censoring the Internet.

I'm voting Republican because the public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving/military/police records, McCain's houses, and Palin's income tax history is none of your business.

I'm voting Republican because what Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

I'm voting Republican because trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with Communist China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony. Don't forget the Saudi's too - they're our best friends.

I'm voting Republican because being pro-life means you care about fetuses but when they turn 18 you send them off to die in senseless and avoidable wars, and kill prisoners who commit capital crimes unless they cannot afford a million dollar dream team of lawyers.

I'm voting Republican because there aren't enough religious extremists in the world. By voting Republican we can get our very own extremist in the White House and start making suicide vest right here in the good ole U-S of A.

I'm voting Republican because I want another retarded redneck in the white house.

I'm voting Republican because when Jamie Lynn Spears gets pregnant, her parents are ignorant opportunist, but when Bristol Palin gets pregnant, her Mom should be Vice President of the United States.

YES... voting REPUBLICAN definitely seems the right choice for me.

8 comments:

Tim Hopkins said...

I can't take credit for this, I just passed it along (and added a few comments to the list as well)

Mickle in NZ said...

Ooo, cor, in the UK Bristols is a term for... well, breasts. What the heck was Sarah thinking (she wasn't) naming a daugther suchwise.

Found your blog via that wicked Antipo, High School friend! We met up a few months back after 26 years. Antipo looking amazing.

Thank you for your posts, that get me thinking, and laughing one hell of a lot.

Huggles & Cheers

Michael said...

Tim - Oh you're taking credit!!!!

Mickle - Thanks so much for stopping by. I love Antipo, even though we haven't met in real life yet. Hopefully that will change next year!

Rod said...

When I first read the title of you post, my heart started pounding LOL

I first thought that you must have gone to Stepford, Connecticut and came back a gay republican, but then I began reading the post and realized you were being facetious. Good post!

gomad.ch said...

If only I could vote in the United Socialist States of America. Things have to change.

StevieB said...

Scared the hell out of me! I thought
"We go way back.
I thought I knew him.
How will I ever trust him again? what is our relationship based on? Funny! And sooo very true.

andy said...

lol, I was so confused, I needed the last line to explain what you were really saying. I guess I just dont understand the USA politics thing :-)

Tim Hopkins said...

Mikey - "tell me once and I'll make it my own"

Timmy - Myrtle Beach, SC